NBA All-Star Game Gets a Radical Makeover

Following the less-than-entertaining 2024 NBA All Star game, where for the first time in history a team reached the 200-point mark yet nobody cared, the NBA commissioner Adam Silver decided on changes that will take place in the following year’s game, and guarantee a more challenging competition.

To compensate for the lack of defense, the main issue of this year’s game, the court will be redesigned to have its own defensive measures, inspired by the WWII ‘foxhole’ warfare, as depicted in the following image, a rendering created by the artist known as Duh! Lee:

In addition, the game ball will be equipped with spikes that automatically deploy whenever a player prepares to shoot from an unthinkable distance for no good reason, or attempts a completely uncontested dunk. In addition to making the ball unpleasant to handle, the spikes will make it more difficult to fit into the hoop (see image below):

Opponents of the new features claim that they could provide an unfair advantage to players such as Utah Jazz All-Star Lauri Markkanen, who completed military training in his homeland of Finland.

In addition, officials in San Francisco, host city of the 2025 game, expressed concerns that civilians who get hold of the new game balls may use them for self defense against muggers, potentially tarnishing the criminal-friendly reputation of the city. Instead, they propose using the ‘slippery ball’, coated in the infamous city sewage, as depicted below:

When asked to comment, C.J. McCollum, president of the National Basketball Players Association, released the following statement: “I am not concerned at all about these changes; as NBA players, we have to constantly adapt and be creative; I am confident that we find the way to make the new game just as boring as the previous ones.”